So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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