he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
