Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
