ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
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Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
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Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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