I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
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someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
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It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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