The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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