K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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