worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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