I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
