i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
