when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
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