I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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