i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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