i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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