I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
