I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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