I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
