god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
should my penis look like a turkey
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
