i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Use "feeling words"
Yay
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
