I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I love you.
Bad choice
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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