ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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