Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
