i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
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Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
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So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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