If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize