Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
