dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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