I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
