girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
