I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
i think my cat just said my name.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
