can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
