Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
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its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
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