Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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