hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
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After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
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He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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