How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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