You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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