I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
