thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
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Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
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A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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