I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
