Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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