I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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