bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
