I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
