my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
