running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
