just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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