Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
