I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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