I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
