Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
