happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
