I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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