I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Is it because I queefed?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
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I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
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i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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