found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
